Uncomfortable with stillness

The jury is in, apparently I have not developed my mind enough to positively influence my broken knee. Alas all the desperate positive thinking did not work, the results from the scan are back and it seems not only did I manage to tear the entire ligament off, but I also chipped off cartilage, bruised the bone and did something or other to a miniscus thing.

Which brings me to this; I am now looking at a future where for the next few (and looooonng) months I am effectively stopped in my tracks, no fun diversions, no exercise to rest my mind, no thoughtless skipping or spontaneous cartwheels (which I obviously do on a daily basis).

So instead of escaping I have to sit, quite literally, and just… be. I have made a living out of teaching people to do just that but now I must practice myself. How utterly irritating.  I am trying to think of the deeper reason why this has happened but honestly couldn’t be bothered.

Most of the western world is dedicated to escaping into busyness rather than just existing in nothingness. I believe it is a survival mechanism, a way to numb the pain. When we are born we are taught to swallow our feelings, do what we have to even if we don’t like it, get along with that person even though we don’t like the way they smell… and all the other conformities that we are moulded into.

And then amusingly enough we reach adulthood and then have to spend thousands on self-help books and programs so we can re-learn who we were when we were born. How odd.

What I also find frustrating is we convince ourselves that we know all there is to know about ‘me’ and all the other inner growth and what-not and then BLAM we skip begin, go straight to jail and don’t collect 200 buckaroos.

And so we do it all again…

It is a rainy evening, I’m trying to practice self-love to my naughty right leg and now I’m off to look at old photos where I was what I thought I was… or doing what made me happy… or something… have I lost my ‘ness’? Mmmmmmmm

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